DFD//eighteen
Dear Future Daughter,
18. Wow. What a big year filled with some of the best and worst things I’ve experienced. I learned so much and God is faithful.
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| photo credit: bissy photography |
Two days after turning eighteen, my dad woke me up before sunrise saying my mom was in labor and it was time to head to the hospital. Twenty plus hours, a Starbucks, a cupcake and lots of reading later I watched my eighth sibling be born. It was an incredible experience.
A week later robotics season kicked off. This was my little brother’s second year and I decided to join during my senior year. Adding that to schoolwork, working part-time and theater definitely added some stress and exhaustion, but I’m glad I did it. I still don’t understand robots, but I know more than I did when I joined...even though social media was my focus on the team. I got to know a really great group of people I wouldn’t have known nearly as well if I hadn’t joined. One night I wasn’t feeling well and several of my robotics ‘practically brothers’ found ways to try and make me feel better. Oh, and my real brother and I had something to bond over and got to make memories together.
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| I played Mrs. Hudson in Sherlock Holmes. |
During our drama performances I was running on very little sleep, was stressed and a little bit sick. That was rough. Overall the performances did go well and I enjoyed it.
“I don’t feel that great today, but I don’t really have time to be sick.” ←- quote of the year?
After performances were over I took the day off of my part-time job to go be a kid in the snow with siblings and some lifelong friends. One of the best days of my year.
There were at least two times this year where friendships weren’t quite how they should’ve been, either we never got along super well or we’d grown distant, God helped me fix those friendships. It’s amazing to me that the God who created the universe cares enough to help my friends and I get along.
A little over three months after robotics season started the team got to compete in a competition up in Sacramento. We stayed in the cutest farmhouses out in the country and spent time in the evenings chatting on the back porch. The competition was stressful, but also great. The girls in the room I slept in enjoyed some late night chats. We all came away from the competition closer and with lots of funny memories.
For a few months I had a job that seemed like a good idea, but eventually, I realized it was adding too much stress to my life. After doing it for the amount of time I committed to I decided not to continue. I struggled with that and prayed about it for a little bit before deciding. I didn’t want to give up just because it was difficult. In the end, I think it was good I recognized that it was too much while still trying to finish high school. Dear daughter, as you grow older you will come to more crossroads and decisions like this. Sometimes they’ll be hard. Pray about them and look to wise people in your life for advice.
There were many times throughout the year when I felt lonely even in big groups of people I knew. It made me think more about how I can have some amazing friends, but I can’t rely on them to always be there for me or fulfill my longings. Only God can do that. There were also really amazing times where I’d be at a concert or an event, glance around and see so many people I loved and was thankful for. I think maybe some of my reasons for feeling lonely at times was that I was being overly self-conscious about what people thought of me and making the event way too much about me instead of just enjoying being there and listening to people.
Around April I started dealing with a lot of fears I shouldn’t have had. I was worried about losing all my friends when I graduated, never getting to socialize since I’m not going to college and the fear that I’d be single for several more years. I feel like I tried to put this all in God’s hands several times, but then I’d take it right back and start worrying again. Now that I’ve graduated I know I’m not losing all of my friends. I’ve been able to stay in touch with a lot of homeschool group friends. I’m not around everyone as much as I used to be, but I’m content. As for not socializing, that didn’t happen. During work, I get to talk to and hang out with a lot of amazing people. Often when I’m not working I grab coffee with friends or pick a friend up and go to a random local event. Or just to the grocery store. I found a young adult Bible study group and joined it. It’s been a great way to take a break from work and chores and to meet new people. As for being single, yes I’m still single. But that’s ok. There’s so much I can do in this season of singleness and so many ways God can use me. Yeah, there are rough days, but overall, I don’t struggle with all of those fears as much as I used to.
Jealousy. Looking back on the year I’ve struggled with a lot of jealousy. Jealous that they’re closer than I am with them. Jealous that they got to do that and I didn’t. Jealous that he likes her and not me. All I know to do is pray for God’s help and to focus more on all the blessings He’s given me instead of coveting other people’s blessings. It’s also important for me to realize that I don’t deserve anything good. I’m a sinful human. Anything I have is extra, a blessing from God and all because of his grace. The comparison game is an awful trap.
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| English Contra Dancing |
Senior banquet was a fun night. I went in with not too many expectations. I didn’t have a list of guys that just had to ask me to dance so my night would be made. I decided to just enjoy whatever did happen and I made a point of sitting with one of my long-time friends so I could experience it all with her and not just a group of aqcuaintances.
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| Avila Beach <3 |
Around May I started to notice that I was compromising and changing myself to be more accepted by everyone. I’d heard of people doing that, but I’d never felt the need or want to before. That really annoyed me and was something I prayed about. If you struggle with this same thing pray about it, talk to trusted people and try your best to stop. It’s never worth it. God created you exactly how he wants you to be and the people who are your real friends love you for who you are. Not for how cool, popular or even how much like them you are. You are unique and wonderful. Also, don’t compromise your moral standards to fit in.
On May 12th I was already a mess emotionally. It was like everything I was struggling with just hit me extra hard and I was stuck and wasn’t sure how to change how I was feeling. That night, after enjoying my robotics team’s banquet, I got the hardest news this year and maybe in my life. One of the seniors in my homeschool group that I’d grown a lot closer to over the past few months was hiking with friends and got swept away by a strong river current. I’d literally just seen him that morning and it was so hard to believe that that might’ve been my last time.
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| The socks I bought for my friend as a graduation present. I kept them. They remind me of him. |
Two days later, while search and rescue teams were still out looking for him a large group of mostly teens met at his church to pray for him, his family and his friends who were hiking with him. As hard and emotional as it was, there was something so special about that night. The whole situation felt like something Satan might do to try and get us all to turn our backs on God. That’s not what happened. Instead, we all gathered together to pray earnestly and sing worship songs. We were reminded how short life can be and I know it moved some of us to try harder not to hold grudges against others. As awful as the whole week of not knowing where our friend was, I know people learned, through the news, about his family’s incredible faith even in one of the hardest situations imaginable. It wasn’t until almost a week after he disappeared that SAR found his body. Losing a friend hurt terribly, but it was comforting to personally know how strong his faith was and know without a doubt that he’s now in heaven with Jesus. I still get really sad, but I try to remember to thank God for the fact that I’ll see him again in heaven and for all the fun memories I had with him here on earth. Before this, I’d dealt with unexpected deaths of dear people, but never someone so close to my age.
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| "The Happiest Place on Earth" |
Skip ahead a few weeks and I found myself headed to Disneyland for my first time ever. It was for my homeschool group’s senior trip. I got to know the incredible people in my group a lot better while waiting in line for rides. I’m excited to watch each of them adjust to adulthood and see how God uses them. I know it’s going to be amazing.
In June, we took a trip back to Lone Pine for my friend’s grad party. That was really special. I spent several years of my childhood in Lone Pine and now I’m working towards publishing a book series that takes place there (Dawn Chandler). Because of being connected to childhood friends through social media I was able to schedule get-togethers with lots of them during our short trip. I loved catching up with each of them and reminiscing about days long ago. Shortly after we got home, my Lone Pine friend, whose grad party we had just gone to, spent several days with us. We crammed the days with lots of fun little adventures and car sing-a-longs.
Around the beginning of July things slowed down and I started to get really sad again. It was almost as if in all the craziness I hadn’t had time to process the fact that my friend had died. I just wanted to be alone a lot of the time, which wasn’t normal for me.
One day two of my middle brothers let me hug them. That was a big enough highlight that it made it in my journal so I guess you should know too. Also, I discovered that typically if I sit on the floor in the living room my baby brother will crawl over to me and attack me with love. That’s one of the cutest things.
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| Whether they know it or not, these kids helped me. |
Before I started volunteering with a kid’s summer program for my fourth year I wasn’t feeling the excitement I normally did. In the past, it’d been the highlight of my summers so I wasn’t sure what was going on. Even though I went into the program with the mindset of serving, in many ways, it was healing for me. I felt more joyful. I saw God work through all the volunteers. I felt like even if I couldn't see it clearly at the moment, I was helping make a difference. It was amazing.
Gift idea: Go to a dollar store and buy random things from every section along with a card that doesn’t really work for the person you’re buying it for (example: baby shower card for birthday)
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| My sisters presenting a homemade yellow graduation cap to me. |
With homeschooling comes great flexibility...which means I didn’t finish school work and officially graduate until August. Leading up to graduation I stressed some about finishing schoolwork in time. In the last few days, I finally relaxed and started getting excited. Being the oldest I didn’t know what to expect for my ‘graduation ceremony’, but it turned out really nice. My dad talked about everything from him falling in love with my mom to how they decided what my school requirements would be. Many dear people came and it meant the world to me.
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| This bookstore and chatting with this author made me very happy. |
I started September with a ten-day Oregon trip two of my grandparents took me on. It was such a special time and we made a lot of amazing memories. Seniors are basically teenagers, but with a lot more wisdom. If that makes any sense. Of course, going to Powells Bookstore and meeting the author Jill Williamson from Go Teen Writers was a big highlight.
In November, almost four years after completing my Dawn Chandler first draft, I sent it out to beta readers! That was such a great experience. In some ways, I’d gotten bored with my book, but their encouragement and excitement about it got me excited all over again! I have so much to fix in it now. My plan is to start another round of edits in January.
As you can see 2018 was basically an emotional roller coaster ride. Looking back, even the little things remind me of God’s goodness. I’m looking forward to my year of being nineteen. I have lots of hopes and dreams for it, but we’ll see what God’s plan is. Whatever it is, I’m certain it’s better than mine!
-Eliza Noel
Can you relate to any of my struggles? Tell me about your 2018!
12 comments
I loved this, Eliza! I think that the fear of losing friends is completely normal senior year, because I know I struggled with that, especially since one of my best friends broke off our friendship that year. One of the most important things about being an adult is learning to prioritize: focusing on the people who have proven over and over that they got your back, as well as meeting new people.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, being single is hard, but it's also great. I'm going to be 20 in 6 months, and I've never had a boyfriend. But I am truly okay with that. You can do so many things when you're single that you can't do when you have a significant other.
I really enjoyed this post because I feel like I got to know you so much better :)
Aw I'm so glad you did, Clarissa! It's so good to know I'm not alone in that fear, hahaha. Thanks for that advice!
DeleteI'm working towards being more and more okay with being single, but sometimes it's pretty hard. And ya, I know that's true.
Aw yay! I tried to be more open and honest with it :)
"I don't feel that great today, but I don't really have time to be sick."🙌🏼 wish I would've known of this quote sooner.
ReplyDeleteYa, but idk how you could've possibly known it sooner since it's just a quote out of my journal...lol
DeleteEliza, this is a really good, down to earth, inspirational post. Thank you for sharing some of your life and struggles you’ve had and lessons you’ve learned with us. Love you so much! :-) <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Natalie! Love you tons <3
DeleteOkay so I guess now that I’m sick I have time to sit down and read this in its completion!
ReplyDeleteEliza girl, I love you. And don’t you ever forget that💖 Reading this honestly made me miss all the times we would just sit and chat about books or whatever we were going through and I hope we get to do more of that in 2019. 💜
Awww, I hope you're feeling better by now! But yes, being sick is great for catching up on blogs xD
DeleteI love you too, Brittany Writerfren and don't you forget that <3 Yesss more time with you in 2019 would be great!
Yes, I am feeling better now!
DeleteHopefully we get to hang out at that writer conference! 💞💛
yessss 🙌💛
DeleteI love this! It sounds like an amazing year of growth, despite all of the terrible hardships. I'm sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteYou got to meet Jill Williamson! Oh how exciting!
Thanks Maddie!
DeleteYa I was so happy it worked out 😄